How it all started?

The first time I really understood I need to make some changes was  a simple wednesday morning. When I woke up, feeling like already want to give up!

I saw some nightmares that night.  My emotions were screaming like crazy, if I could just shut them off!  Shut them of so I could think a way out!

I got out from my bed, went for a coffee. Whats going on with my emotions? Why am I feeling like I was crazy? I sat in my bed trying to read, drank my coffee. Messaged my friend.. Ah I even got disturbed and worried about the thing that he didn't answered my message. It felt like I have anxiety about everything.. even about eating those corn flakes for breakfast and breathing.

And that was the moment when I got it, if I wont make a change, then nothing will change!

Do something different! This thought came to my mind.

I got out of my bed! I need to do something!! I put on some warm clothes, actually right on my pyjama. Found my hat, gloves , I was hurrying.  I ran out of my house, took my bike, put one some music in my earphones and get out ... I was driving to the riverside! Just driving, driving, driving.. till I got to some place at the water. I stopped. Took out my earphoones..switched of the music. An listened to the waves..

I looked around there where no people right close to me so I could speak out loudly! I just spoke it all to river, spoke it to God, spoke to myself, I was screaming, I was angry, I was so confused! I was like, why am I like this? What do you want me to do? Why can’ t I make choices? Why do I feel like this..God!! HELP ME! Emotions stop, be still!! Wind stop , be still, but It only got stronger!

Wind stop!! And it get so strong that I could feel it through my jacket blowing on my back! gaaarg.. I give up! I give up!!! I turned around my bike.. starter to push it up to get back on the road. ..I was walking my steps got slower, I just walked and started to  enjoy the peace that was all around, the reality..the simplicity..Now I knew what I need to do! I need to be more in reality. It gave me peace..

I had this clear understanding that I  need to spend less time in internet and social media. So this anxiety would leave..So I decided to I erase twitter and Facebook from my phone! I was in such a hurry that I had forgotten my phone at home..I spoke it out loud! I will erase twitter and Facebook from my phone!!

There were too much unnecesary  information that just polluted my mind! And made me to judge myself according to others.

The second thing that confirmed that there is a must to change something..and do something .. Was a sunny saturday  day when I came to visit my good friend

  We were kinda speaking to catch up.. but He wasnt picking up phone so I had to use the good old way of throwing stones at his window..  I was outside with my bike. waiting for him... so in a while he opened the curtain and I came up to his door. He opened the door but went back to his computer..didnt hug me didnt smile .

He was sitting in his room, behind closed curtains in this lovely saturday day.. And playing  computer games...He  wasnt interested to do anything else. Believe me that  is a scary view.  I tried to keep myself in peace and act  if I was ok.  fjuuh... It was hard!!!

It's crazy what computer gaming can do to a person..it's sucks person in, so that he doesn't want anything else.. , no hopes no needs, no dreams for that person... no clear vision..Actually online game is more important than your presence...  That day I decided, I'm fed up with this,  I'm going to do something!!!  We need freedom!!!